How to Take Care of Yourself After a Breakup

    I was married for nearly a decade before our split and during that time I constantly took care of others, but never really myself.  Once our relationship was over I began to have small pockets of time when my kids were with him and I was on my own fully free to feel all my feelings and think all the thoughts.

     All these little moments of freedom felt overwhelming, just like when something is wound so tightly for so long any little release feels like too much. So, I cried, a lot. I screamed, a lot. I tried to distract myself with cleaning, a lot. I told every one I was fine, a lot. Slowly and steadily I pulled myself back up and into a new normal. The following is most of the little and big things I did post separation that I think would help just about anyone:

UGLY CRIED:

I know I mentioned this before, but letting myself cry- like full on whole-body sobbing- felt damn good. At one point I called by best friend she stayed on the phone with me while I wailed and tried to make words formulate into something comprehensible, but mostly just blubbered. Another time I laid in bed bawling until my body couldn’t produce any more tears so I basically whimpered until I fell asleep. As unappealing as this sounds, every time I have cried I’ve felt better even if it was only by a tiny bit.

THERAPY:

I had been going as much as I could even when I was married, but after the end of the relationship I was a regular over at the therapists office. It was actually one of the best things I did to help me see my new schedule as a way forward (although unknown) and not to stay mourning the way I had been used to for the past ten years. Bonus, I feel therapy has helped me also become a better partner for the person I do end up sharing the rest of my life with.

GO ON DATES:

This one was hard as I didn’t have anyone lined up like some do even before they breakup and didn’t even know if I was ready to date. So to be completely honest, I haven’t gone on many dates but each one brought it’s own unique learning experience about myself and who I want in my life. The first guy I dated after the split was amazing- seriously one of the best human beings I have ever met and I wish we still talked. Unfortunately, it didn’t last and so I decided to take a hiatus from dating for a very long time after that. It’s been challenging and yet kind of fun to get out there knowing what I want now in a partner and seeing how I am now as a potential partner.

REST:

I slept a great deal of the time. I allowed myself to be lazy. I made my coffee with the pour over method. I bundled up under blankets during the winter months and walked through different parks as much as I could during the bearable months. I colored with my daughter, read books with my son, slept some more. I actually slowly turned my times of rest into slow living, which has helped me to reset.

WORKOUT:

Pick things up. Put things down. Add weight. Repeat. I am a huge advocate for being active, mostly weight training. However, I’m not opposed to: swimming, hiking, biking, kayaking, rock climbing, long boarding, skateboarding, rollerblading, iceskating, just walking, running (ok I’m a little against that one), dancing, etc. Getting my body moving in a way that makes me feel empowered and free helped get me through the down times because as the infamous fictional character Elle Woods once said “Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy…”

CREATE:

So many nights I would just write short stories or poems. I took to painting and drawing. I made my own soap a couple of times. I dove back into photography. I made my own fire pit for my backyard. I did anything and everything I could think of to do just to feel a creative spark again. It has been quite the quest but it has been fulfilling to create something and have it become part of me.

SEEK MORE KNOWLEDGE:

I don’t care if it’s more knowledge about your favorite hobby you geek out over, a life hack that lead you down a rabbit hole of YouTube Videos, or a couple of books that lead you to start your own business- seek out something and grow. I read a plethora of books, shuffled around a crazy spectrum of podcasts and even grew deeper in my spirituality. I’m still finding new things to read, do, listen to, and create.

To Sum It All Up

The best way to take care of yourself after a breakup is to feel all of your feelings then let them go in order to make room for the growth you are now able to bring into your life.

Besides, I bet your ex ain’t sh*t.